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Looking through the blinds
This is who I pretend to be
For posterity, or whatever


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I'm feeling: sick sick

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I haven't been here in so long and I hate that the reason I'm posting now is because I'm so desperately sad I don't know what to do and I can't use facebook or twitter because of family.

I just found out that my sister is pregnant to her 'fiance' a guy she meet less than 5 months ago. And despite me begging her to keep me out of it she still felt the need to tell me! Apparently she's 10 weeks pregnant. Four weeks ago she stood in my living room and took an ovulation test in front of me (yes she's just that kind of considerate) and just the other week she was justifying her shitty treatment of everyone around her on having her period.

Even the reason she told is complete bullshit. Apparently my niece's dance teacher knows and Bean has a dance competition on Sunday that we've said we probably won't go to but J was worried the DT might come over for a chat and let it slip. This is a woman I've shared maybe a dozen words with in 8 years. We took Bean to a competition last month and we got a hello. So she told me because a woman I never speak to might let it slip to an event I'm probably not going to. Thanks for thinking of me, next time don't!

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I'm feeling: distressed distressed

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I just booked a holiday to Melbourne and I didn't even consider work when I did it. This is HUGE for me, usually I fret and worry over taking time off but after the debacle of me trying and failing to take just 2 weeks of leave before semester began this year I don't care anymore.

(Just so you know it clashes HORRIBLY with the exam period and I DON'T CARE. I'm going to spin some bull about a family event, or something. I have an Uncle there, I may get to see him)

Kris wants to see the King Tut exhibit in Melbourne. What's the point of working all the time and worrying about saving and bills and never taking time to enjoy yourself? We've been meaning to visit Melbourne for over 6 years and I got return flights for less than $350.

Any suggestions of where to stay? I lived in Middle Park for a few months a decade ago but have no real clue as to the City itself. We'll be there 24-27 June.

There is a chance I could be pregnant but at most I'd be 12 weeks. Here's hoping I escape the dreadful sickness I had first time.

My baby niece turns 10, TEN, on Sunday. I can't even believe how big she's getting.

I've reached 50% of my target in my shave colour for a cure campaign, here's my profile page sponsor me /shameless begging

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I'm feeling: optimistic optimistic

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Sorry I haven't been posting here at all lately. I have been keeping up with all your journals but I'm really just not coping all that well, to be honest, so I'm so very sorry for my lack of commenting.

Every time I come here to update I end up looking at the last few entries and get all lost in how quickly my joy turned to devastation.

I just want you to know you are all still in my thoughts and hope you don't think too bad of me.

In the interests of distracting myself I have decided to join the 'Shave for a cure' team. Not to shave, Kris has forbidden it (but if I someone was to offer enough money...)

This is my profile page, it's a great cause so if you can please sponsor me

I'm feeling: sad sad

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When your brother-in-law posts this on his Facebook... KIDS, if only i knew back then what i know now i would have never planted the seed!! And he's never even bothered to contact us once over the loss of Thomas?

I basically lost it, had Kris and Freya cuddling me on the couch, I still want to cry about it.

I'm probably overly emotional after our horror of a day yesterday. I haven't recovered as quickly as hoped from Thomas' birth and after an ultrasound, a doctor's visit, and a gynacologist exam it was determined I have retained product and a D&C was recommended. Because we don't have private insurance the gyn Doc recommended we show up at emergency the next morning to get on the emergency surgery list. We knew we'd be a low priority but we went back for triage fairly quickly and I was assessed by the emergency registrar who ordered a cardiograph because apparently my pulse skips a beat every now and then and he was worried about an irregular heartbeat. Turns out my heart is fine but I have a lazy pulse lol. Then we saw the ob/gyn registrars, one of who was present at Thomas' birth and remembered us, she was so lovely to us that night. After that I was admitted and taken up to the peri-op ward, this was about midday and we prepared for our wait. What we weren't expecting was to wait another 10 hours! It was 11pm before the anaesthestist came in to see me, she was very apologetic about our wait but explained they had been unexpectedly busy. From then it all went very fast and I was back on the ward by 12. Found out in recovery that the doc who did my procedure was the other registrar present at Thomas' birth, also very lovely. She had been called in to help with how busy they were, five emergency appendix ops and about 4 emergency deliveries, with another one on their way up after me!

We convinced the nurse I was fine to be discharged that night and at 1:30am Saturday we were finally on our way home. The ticket machine letting us know we had been parked for 16 hours, 40 minutes as we paid our way out!

Today I have spent catching up on TV with Kris and resting up. Hopefully I am now on the way to physical recovery.

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I'm feeling: annoyed annoyed

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I've noticed that noticed that I'm becoming a really negative person. I was never candidate for little miss perky, but I always tried to see the positive side of things. I was what I liked to call a realistic optimist.

I'm not sure I like the stranger I'm becoming so I'm going to try and counter every negative thought I have with a positive one.

Right now I am happy because there are no students in my office, even though I had to miss half my lunch break because they were handing in assignments.

What really made me think about this was this morning I read about a lady who is 20 weeks pregnant with twins (through ivf). One baby is dying and has little hope, the other needs some risky op that may be able to be save it but it's unlikely.

Then I found out friends' of ours are expecting their first baby, due in 5 weeks, after 16 ivf attempts \o/. Both these stories make me want to cry my heart out.

I'm feeling: thoughtful thoughtful

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(click for more info)

Thomas' light shines bright tonight.

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I'm feeling: sad sad

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Originally posted by neo_prodigy at Spirit Day

It’s been decided. On October 20th, 2010, we will wear purple in honor of the 6 gay boys who committed suicide in recent weeks/months due to homophobic abuse in their homes at at their schools. Purple represents Spirit on the LGBTQ flag and that’s exactly what we’d like all of you to have with you: spirit. Please know that times will get better and that you will meet people who will love you and respect you for who you are, no matter your sexuality. Please wear purple on October 20th. Tell your friends, family, co-workers, neighbors and schools.

RIP Tyler Clementi, Seth Walsh (top)
RIP Justin Aaberg, Raymond Chase (middle)
RIP Asher Brown and Billy Lucas. (bottom)

REBLOG to spread a message of love, unity and peace.

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Today was Thomas' funeral. It was heart-breakingly sad but really beautiful though I can't believe that he's gone and I wont get to see him again.

My sister wrote this poem for Thomas and read it at the service. I think it pretty much captures the emotions of the day

Thomas David was born sucking his thumb,
he was perfect in every way
born still inside his caul
He was perfect, the way a baby should be, but much to tiny to stay,
Knitted so beautifully inside your mother’s womb, a tiny piece of her.
Thank you for gracing us with your presence, sweet boy, sorry it wasn’t for long, but maybe you we’re too good for this world.
Even though our hearts are breaking we know we must let you go,
Go little boy, but know that you are loved and maybe one day we’ll get to meet you and see how lovely you really are.
You will always be a part of our lives in so many ways, a son, a grandson, great-grandson. A nephew, and a cousin, but never, never forgotten.

After the service we all released balloons, the breeze was perfect and carried them all off together.

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I'm feeling: numb numb

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Sorry I've been so terrible about updating lately. I'd been having such a hard time with sickness and then on Tuesday the worst thing happened and we lost our baby boy, Thomas. He was born at 20 weeks perfect and beautiful but too small.

I'm kind of really lost right now but Kris ( froxyn ) has some posts on her journal if anyone wanted to know a little more about what happened.

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I'm feeling: crushed crushed

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